I’m sitting in the last bit of sunlight on the last day of my assignment here, and the last day of the year, savoring this campsite where I can look over the ocean and over the back of my home with just a slight turn of the head. This chapter of my life that began three months ago, ….well it really began in April, …actually it began long before that but the catalyst was in April. April Fool’s Day at that and Easter too. It was this combination that inspired me to make a phone call. Even though I had already called, a few times, to see if there were any cancelations that would make it possible for V to have his birthday in the Keys. State parks start to book up eleven months ahead and, you see, I just don’t ever have that kind of lead ti

me. So I depend on things like miracles, and I remember thinking, as I first opened my eyes that morning, that if there was ever a day that was ripe with miracles, well, it would be Easter, and if ever there was a day that those said miracles would fall in my favor; that would be Easter on April Fool’s Day. Experince showed me that my windfalls and wonderous moments often came with a sense of humor.

So I whispered a little prayer and dialed. After some checking and tap tap tapping through the line, there was indeed a cancelation. Three days. Right over his birthday. If I had known then where it would all lead and that I would be sitting here now, I think my heart would have exploded.

I’m looking back over it all and wondering how often I really was able to enjoy it. Maybe I was here with the wrong guy. But maybe I wasn’t. It certainly made it better and worse in equal measure. Actually, not in equal measure; it leaned more to the worse. Maybe it was stuff I needed to learn; I have also grown so much through it. I can see that I’ve simply outgrown the relationship. I guess that’s good. I’m leveling up

I need to gather my thoughts first. Know what I want before I ask for it. I gotta get clear in my head and get it aligned with my heart.

The heart knows. The heart always knows.

And I’ve been suspecting for awhile now that I want to be alone. Well, with myself, rather. I finally know her and I think I just really wanna be with her. Alone. That’s when I feel really connected to her.

I’m not upset. I’m not angry. This isn’t some ploy to get my way. It feels like what so many people told me about. ‘I don’t think you have to worry about it,’ they would say. And that feels pretty true Like this is just how it’s happening and I’m kind of the observer, in a way. I know but I am not the one who is providing the information. It doesn’t feel ego driven. It’s coming from somewhere that I can trust.

I know it will hurt. Both of us. But it will be worse if I stay. I’m already putting up the bitch fence. I have to because I’m not honoring my truth. So I have to push him away and make it about stupid little things until I can say the big thing. And back myself up. And the big thing is that I need to go on from here on my own.

This relationship has run its course. That’s all. And that can be a good thing…like a graduation. And now I have this longing to be free; to set free. We should each get to be ourselves. I recently saw how I’ve been wanting to change him. TRYING to change him so we could fit better together and because I think I know better how he should be and who he should be. I feel awful about this now. It feels so unfair. His growth is not really my jurisdiction, mine is. And I neglect it every time I cross over to his side of the street and expend the energy I need for my own transformation. I see now I was just trying to avoid the pain of saying good-bye. And I also can see that that had made me feel responsible for him in ways that I am not. There are billions of people in this world and they all seem to eat, sleep and get by just fine without my help. Why must I think I’m responsible for someone that I’m with? Falling in love, getting together, is always a risk;there are no promises for either one of us. This is the stuff that messes with my head a bit. This is where I need strength and truth.

But I know it’s the right thing because, somewhere inside of me, I feel better. I guess I’ve been taking some time to get really in touch with that place so I can hold onto it when this all goes down and I wake with regrets and second guess myself in the middle of the night.

No anger. No regret. No grand stand of superiority. Like Jeff Buckley said, “love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujiah.” It feels like that. And this unavoidable desire to just let go.

I don’t know what to do about the financial commitment we made to RCI. Do I just let that go too? There’s $2500 we agreed six months ago to pay and it’s due in a few weeks – and I’m the only one thinking about it. I always honor my promises. I always make good on my responsibilities. Trying to be perfectly perfect. But now I find out I’ve had my license suspended over a ticket I’m sure I paid and I can feel.things.sliding. I can’t hold to it. Not all the time. This high bar that’s there, looming, making me crazy. Afraid of what will happen if I don’t get that ‘A’. I’m tired of that track.

I’ll do my best, but then I’m gonna have to let that go too. I’m only human. I can only do what I can do, the best that I can do. This trying to control, arrange and hold it all together – I can’t. Somethings are not mine to handle and I have to let them go too. I’m tired. It’s heavy, all these things I carry. It all ends up draining my battery and I’m losing focus on what is in my control. I lose clarity. I lose myself. And that connection to what knows and divinely orchestrates becomes faint.