I’m sitting here on the eve of this big sailing trip and I feel in another world.  I love it here, in this on-my-way-but-not-quite-gone-place.  Is that selfish?  I don’t know.  I don’t know anyone who does what I do so it’s a little hard to know.  It feels like I’m floating, like I’m in no-man’s land.  Similar to when I’m flying and I truly feel suspended in air, above it all, jumping time and place.  And I feel how my movement will ripple and rearrange.  Being on the brink of that feels powerful and incredible.  I can’t wait to see what all shakes out of it; what will come aboard and what will fall overboard while I and the sail flap in the breeze.

It’s a much needed distraction right now as I consider my next move and how best to make it.  I had a little meltdown last week as my plan fell apart and I seriously questioned what the hell I was doing.  Maybe I should just go back to Wisconsin; maybe this whole thing was a mistake.  But on one hand I have been doing it, I’ve been here for two months and it’s been really great!  And on the other hand I haven’t even done anything yet, so I can’t quit now!  It’s too early to call.  And even when it does come time to call, it will have been grand.  I’m not exactly sure, but it always has been like that.  It’s so many past travel scenarios running through my head and I’ve always felt like I would be fine; and I always was.  I’ve been homeless both times I’ve gone to Australia.  Rome was entirely booked for a holiday weekend when I arrived there.  I found out on my layover in Atlanta that the arrangements I had in Colombia would not be available.  I’ve never really worried and I don’t know why I’m worrying now.  Maybe because those others were temporary, I had a home to come home to eventually; but this is it now, we are sans stability.  That’s what I love but that is also what gives me little bits of anxiety every now and then.  This is it.  This is my life.  I have bet it all on this.  “I give you credit,” Robert says.  He’s visiting and doing work on the ranch in exchange for staying in another trailer here.  “I’ll take it,” I reply as I’m floating in the pool.  This is a guy whose been in the military and been all over telling me that he doesn’t think he could do it without a partner.  Funny, I was not sure I could do it with one.  I’ve often found myself doing stuff like this alone.  I find new experiences invigorating and I always find great new people along the way.

I’m surprised at the ease with which I now pack.  It used to stress me out but now I just shrink down my already majorly shrunken down wardrobe without much thought.  I think I care less and less about how I look as I know more and more the greatness I really am.  It’s all so much less circumstantial these days.  There’s a genuine understanding and appreciation for what I am and where I came from and the God that I can depend on.  I’m just not trying so hard anymore.  Maybe I’m coming to know my awesomeness.  I hope so.