I thought a life on wheels where I take my home everywhere would, in some way, settle me but I fear it has only stirred me more. I feel an almost constant state of restlessness. Funny the contrast of it all; my life. I had come to answer the question of what I’d do when the house sold with, “I’ll probably just move in with Frosting.” His invitation came one night at the house as he scooped me up under the curve of my back and moved me into the center of the bed. He liked to do that and I liked to feel the strength of him doing it. It felt good to be with someone strong. “You should just move in with me- all your flip flops are there.” I made no external reply but internally, an answer and an acceptance began to form. On the day of lunch with Ulli on the deck of The Barn I say it out loud for the first time. She turns her head slightly away from me and looks far off into the distance, saying nothing. Just an hour later, Frosting replaces her in that seat and he’s letting me go. We are officially untethered. What was a moment ago my landing has now launched me.

I’m on the steps of the Dali museum in St. Petersburg after seeing the Frida Kahlo exhibit and having this writing inspired by her. The exhibit talks about there being two: the suffering, pain-wracked Frida and the one alive to the joy of the universe. And she gives us two truths, the truth of her body and its challenges, and the redemptive vision of beauty that rises from the haunted reality. I feel her contrast of human physical suffering and struggle as well as the spiritual rising over it all that leads to understanding and strength. When she faced her foot being amputated she said, “What need have I for feet, when I can fly?” I see myself and my style in this as well. I so struggle, in many the same ways she struggled – in body and in love – right down to her depiction of and demons within a conflictual and painful relationship to a much older man that is somehow necessary while being understood by no one, not even ourselves. My life and my muse is this grit and Grace.

“The only thing I can say with certainty about my work is that I paint because I have to, and that I always paint whatever comes to mind, without any other considerations.” I feel the same about my writing. I write for myself and from whatever is going on for me, that’s all the method I have. No more and certainly no less.

I’ve declared a gypsy year. Out loud to my friend Luke and as a commitment to myself and so nothing distracts me. Let my unsettled self be unsettled for awhile. Let her flag fly. Let the restlessness keep rustling. I will follow wherever it all leads me….