I wake up warm.  I feel I can handle anything.  I swap my sweaters for shirts and pants for shorts and put my socks far, far away.  I’ll not need them ’til February I’m told.  I do laundry – the machines are outside.  I talk with Bill, the guy’s land we’re on (Will said he just called them one day and said God told him to give this apartment to them to live in.  Will said it came at a time when they were trying 2 figure out what to do and Trinity said, “Ah, let’s just give it to God.”  I always love stories like this, but especially now).

I go camper shopping.  I’m amazed at how laid back people are here.  I fall in love with another big trailer.  It’s 30 feet and feels like home.  It’s got a kitchen island, a pantry, lights under the awning and a grill and outside fridge.  I just don’t see myself in something like that right now.  That’s what the salesman is helping me see.  Do I want to settle between like two places, then this is perfect.  Do I want to bop around the country, then this maybe isn’t the one.  I can’t just park it anywhere.  I don’t have the answers.  I guess I’m still in the stage of gaining clarity.   Knowing what I want to do and then knowing the camper that will help me do it the best.  Yeah, what DO I want to do, I wonder.  The settling idea gives me some comfort, and the roaming idea gives me some apprehension.  Will I be lonely?  Will I just be an aimless drifter with no purpose or people?  I feel my mind dismiss that.  I’m never purposeless and I always find like minds.  I have lots of writing to do and I am enjoying my own company more and more.  It’s just when a salesman asks me, “not married?  no kids?  no grandkids?” (well that’s sort of implied with the previous, isn’t it?)  And then I wonder for a moment….should I have?  Should I have gone this other route offered me by that gorgeous Italian that night over Skype: “Just come back to Rome and we’ll get married and have 3 or 4 kids”  But then I wouldn’t be on this path.  “Conflicting wishes cannot be my will” is the piece of the Course that has been coming to mind this past week as I’d look around my house and reassess what I was about to do and if I could’ve somehow done something different along the way to have things going a different way.  Like continuing to lead the Rich life.  All I come up with is, “I guess not.”

I have this Cinderella tendency that wishes a guy would come along and pull it for me.  I haven’t heard from him in awhile and I think maybe that’s a good thing.  We’re each focused on something big right now and I don’t think he should factor in to the decision I’m making.  “I don’t think anyone should factor in,” my California Co-pilot says and I know she’s right.  This thing is between me and me.

As I’m driving back to the ranch, my younger nephew calls.  I almost don’t answer, but I do.  He tells me how hurt he is that I didn’t say good-bye.  It’s not like I live next door.  They live in Michigan and we see each other a few times a year.  And I didn’t hear from them on my birthday I say – which he relays to my sister so I now I know who this is being fueled by.  I still haven’t answered her challenging words via Messenger so here we go.  He relays back that she didn’t hear from me on hers either.  “I sent her a present,”  I say.  And I was out of the country.  Which reminds me of how I get yelled at whenever I let them know I’m leaving.  I realize that they’re just calling to make me feel bad, so I politely but firmly hang up.

Back at the ranch (ha ha ha) I report about what I’ve found and we discuss options.  It occurs to me, this doesn’t have to take a long time.  Especially when I don’t have any time.  Once my blocks are cleared, I will see clearly the trailer that’s waiting for me.