I’m loading everything up and fanging it 4 Florida!!!  Every single time I pack, it gets easier.  Less anxiety.  I’ve never 4gotten anything.  I have some granola with V b4 I go.  We recap and refocus.  She tells me how David Hawkins scores courage mixed with hope and action one of this highest numbers.  She feels that’s what I have and I feel how great that feels.  We talk about each of our times in Italy and that empowers me too.  That was still the time I felt the most beautiful.  It’s where a pigeon pooped on my arm when I was walking around the Coliseum and an Iranian guy I had met on the street when he asked me 4 directions told me it was good luck.  And it was.  I met Costantine that night and my definition and experience of a relationship was raised off the charts.  Anyway, that’s another story.   We talk about boys a little more, it is one of my favorite subjects, and I say how the guy I was playing with in Madison might come visit and she says, “Well, u might need someone 2 fill in the blanks ’til then.”  And then we giggle.

It was a long, long road 2 haul.  It felt like the last big push b4 the birth.  A lot of my demons came up on this drive.  I feed them cake just like always, but I also wonder when I will stop being so hard on myself.  I’m doing this huge fucking thing, on my own, and I give myself a lot of crap 4 stuff that is absolutely normal.

I pass a church sign that says, “It’s better 2 give than 2 receive.”  I c a post office next and take the hint and pull in.  I mail the magnet.  I had passed a FedEx store that sold bubble mailers that magical night in Nashville right after I bought it which felt so easy it made me smile.  So did this step.  I send it care of the tattoo shop downstairs from his place and kiss it.  I have lipstick on so it leaves an imprint.  The return address is “Shawna the P.A.B” (a nickname) “Somewhere, USA” partly cheeky and partly because I have no idea where I am exactly.  I’ve been diverted thanks 2 a chlorine spill, in a post office that’s little more than a pole building and closes at 2:30.  But I feel better.  That sign was right.

I drive in2 this deep black night towards the horse farm where they live.  2 finally arrive feels magnificent.  And under such a dark sky sparkling with stars.  The barn is lit with strings of those big fat glass tree lights and I once again remember that it’s almost Christmas. It’s 10:00 at night and it’s 70 degrees.  We stand by the wood stove and catch up and then start talking campers.  It’s the unifying force field.  Everyone weighs in on it.  It’s great.  We somehow land on how u know when 2 empty the toilet (evidently there’s a gauge) and the perks of having a bed that one can get out of on either side.  “Because if I have someone over, and come on, I’m gonna have someone over,” I say, “then someone has 2 climb over someone 2 get out.”  Both Will and Trinity chime in ever so sweetly, “well…..what’s wrong with that??”  Ok, so that design can stay.  I stare in2 the flames and think again of what I’ve done and wonder how it’s all gonna play out.  I’m tuned in just like anyone else. When I zoom out and look on it, I feel so cool.  The waves of fear r subsiding.

As I crawl in2 bed, on the futon actually, it hits me, what a thing it is I’m doing.  Whoa. I feel the power of what I’ve stepped in2 and trusted 2 turn out and it feels amazing.  I feel amazing.

‘I want my own house,’ I think 2 myself, ‘that I’m sure of.’  I need my own space.  Be still and quiet.  Let my  creativity flow.  Bryce described Light as “nothing missing.”  It really struck me when he said that.  And it’s hitting me again now.  I feel so good.