I’m gonna do one more night here.  Last night I talked 2 Trinity and we came 2 the idea that it would b better 2 come 2 Sarasota on Friday.  It’s cold here now.  At least I assume it is.  My weather app says “feels like 25” and that’s cold.  It’s 2:00 and I’m surfing Craigslist 4 campers still in my flannel pjs.  I’m beat.  I think I’m feeling the last 2 weeks of being too amped up and not sleeping well.

V calls just as I’m about 2 drive an hour 2 look at a restored 1968 vintage camper that is really too cute.  It seems a bit silly since I have no idea if that’s the kind I even want.  I’m going 2 go 2 an RV sales lot instead so I can look at lots of models and styles and then know what it is I really want.  It’s good 2 know what u want.  We also talk a lot about the Power that’s guiding this all and the Laws that I’m really under and that helps so much.  I don’t need 2 chase it and I don’t need 2 struggle.  Let it come.

I answer the salesman’s questions and again say how I’ve thrown myself at and completely in2 this next phase of my life where I live mobile in something comfortable enough 2 b homey yet small enough that I feel safe driving it.  I fall in love with a 5th wheel but it’s just too big 4 me 2 maneuver without any experience.  But she is beautiful.  Like a little home.  Stairs up 2 the bedroom, an oven 2 bake cookies in, an angled countertop.  I like her, I just don’t know if I can handle her.

I snuggle in under 5 blankets and my head swims with the options I have 2 consider.  Go small and easy but without some amenities or larger and homier and not quite so mobile.  Pull a car behind an RV or pull a trailer behind a truck.  “I just don’t want anyone 2 get hurt,” I say 2 myself.  And then my heart beats a little 2 the drum of What-Am-I-Doing?  I really have no solid answer 2 that right now.  It’s 9:30 and I’m already in bed because I can’t talk anymore and just need some peace.  And I do feel peace.  And joy.  At times.  But I also wonder if I should have tried saving the stuff on my DVR 2 a thumb drive and where did my blue platform pumps end up anyway.  I wonder what my next address will b and why there’s only 5 pairs of underwear in my suitcase.  Where’s the rest of them?  I can no longer remember what’s in the trunk.  What day is it even?  It’s Thursday.   I left on Monday.

I think when you’re mobile and uncertain, u need 2 find your own foundation.  My mind wants grounding and comfort and it’s funny watching what does it now.  Like wanting 2 know where those pumps r.  I probably won’t wear them til Fruit Fest in May in Madison but 4 some reason I’m wanting 2 know now.  And like having my bathroom rug and my down comforter and my cappuccino machine.  When I bring it in 2 make us coffees I say, “The beauty of getting older is knowing more what u want and being less willing 2 sacrifice it.”  And my favorite spoons that I brought in my Kitchen Backpack.  And the fact that I have favorite spoons.  I like how they feel in hands.  They have a weight and a shape that I enjoy. And one of them I slipped in2 the pocket of Costantine’s tight black pants at a café in Florence.  I remember that like it was yesterday.

My mind goes back 2 me packing up my closet and dresser into apple boxes from Pierce’s.  I don’t really like my mind 2 go back there; it’s a little sore still.  Although, I’m not as sad about it as I would think I would b.  Maybe it’s because it’s under a foot of snow.  Maybe it’s because at the last minute I had 2 spend half a day insulating the pipes in the basement and feeling skritchy.  Maybe it’s because I’m finally getting over the whole fear of loss/unable 2 let go/transition kicking and screaming thing.