“So you’re just abandoning the family then?” is what my mom said when I told her I was leaving.  “What r we, in The Godfather?”  I think 2 myself.  What does that even mean?  I’m just following my heart and going somewhere warm.  That’s allowed.   I don’t bother saying any of this out loud because it won’t help.  And that was the nicest thing she had 2 say.  As the Packers converted downs she too threw pass after pass at me that I refused 2 receive because none of it really bothered me; until she made a comment about my aunthood – I take great pride in being the Cool Aunt Jen title given me by Gavin and his friends and when she insulted that, then it was time to engage my running game.

Then there’s also the collateral damage 2 the other members of my team when I come from this toxic play calling.  I 4get my position.  I end up more on defense than on offense (reacting rather than acting).  I cannot b around her anymore.

So I’m driving around Nashville trying 2 kill time until I can head 2 Georgia 2 stay with friends and as the daylight fades and the buildings start 2 light up, I see things I’d like 2 do.  I’m gonna stay another night.  Then things start 2 click.  People engage with me on the street, smiles and high fives, I walk in2 a candy shop 2 get change 4 the parking meter and end up having a lovely connection with the owner.  We talk music and movies and I buy a Marilyn Monroe magnet “I am very much a woman and I enjoy it!”  I think I’ll send it 2 Stride as a souvenir.  It doesn’t say Nashville but it definitely says me.  I walk in2 the Hard Rock Café, find a great shirt and great ladies 2 talk music and movement with.  “Yesterday, I just threw the things I love the most in2 my car and drove here on my way 2 somewhere warm.” They can’t believe it.  I can’t believe it either.  That’s why I like 2 say it.  I buy the shirt 2 commemorate the first leg of this epic journey.  I’ll wear it and remember what a chance I took and how much I trusted.  At checkout I give my email: bygrace168  “I like that address,” she says.  “It’s my address because it’s my way of life,” I explain.

I go in2 the café 4 dinner, she suggested it as a fellow vegetarian which adds some credibility.  Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls video is playing as I leave and so I have 2 message the Pinman in Australia and tell him how it made me think of him and how much I love him.  In addition 2 the many emotional times we’ve had, he’s the one I knew knew how I felt with the Prince thing (that’s still all I can call it) because of the Freddie Mercury thing.  And I added “*I’m still not over Prince”  2 which he replied “love u too sweetheart.  and I’m still not over Freddie.”

Me and the Pinman in Oz is another story that deserves telling.  The first time I was there, I saved him and the second time I was there he saved me.  I’m gonna need a prequel.

The second music video at the café is Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Clause Is Coming To Town” so now I have 2 send the same message 2 Peggi.  She’s one of the few friends I don’t have a pet name 4 and I don’t know why.  She’s my practical Leo friend and so I guess I keep her at a practical name because that’s what she reflects 2 me and that’s what pet names do anyway -if that makes sense.  She says, “Yay!  U made it out of Dodge.  Wait, isn’t Nashville where Rich is or was?”  “That might of had something 2 do with it,” I reply.  “Ya think?” she comes back with.  And, “If u have 2 pick a direction, why not follow your heart’s compass?”  Ahhhh, thank u.   And then, halfway in2 my veggie burger ‘Let’s Go Crazy’ comes on and I’m frozen with emotion.  So, now I have 2 talk 2 my Californian Co-pilot.  That trip we took 2 Paisley Park on the 4th of July is what I believe opened my heart 2 the former chapter of my life.  The one that led 2 Rich and the one that led 2 this.  I felt more that day than I had in a while and I feel more now than I ever have.  And CC is the one that agreed 2 come with me b4 even knowing where we were going and joined me in it even tho it wasn’t really her thing, and then watched Purple Rain with me, her in the West and me in the Midwest and sharing it all via text.

I feel lit up like this city.  I feel electric.  I feel out and I feel in.  I feel powerful and vulnerable all at the same time.  I go 2 a bar and up 4 flights of stairs there’s a band playing “Born To Run” and as I go out 2 the rooftop patio with its warm heaters and lights, I feel a kinship with this song and this city.   I look up at the almost full moon and think that everyone I know and love could look up at the same and I don’t feel alone.  CD calls me back from Clearwater, FL and we plan that I will c her in a week.  She’s another substitute mom energy 4 me and I feel her nurturing me through the phone.

And then I start 2 bottom out.  I need a big, warm bed and a hot shower.  When I get there I feel the void that comes once again 2 show me the abandonment idea that started at 4 with my father and continues 2 show me with every guy.  I ask myself, “If u heard from him right now, would it change this feeling?”  And I have 2 answer myself, “no.”  I know what it is now.  I can recognize it and name it and as I sink under the covers and in2 the pillows I ask the One that can, 2 heal it.

And I make the decision that my camper will definitely need 2 have a shower.  I never know when I’ll need 2 B rinsed clean of something.