I don’t feel as devastated as I normally would after we fight and he’s left.  I did go farther than I promised myself I would. I didn’t really want to fight with him at all.  But at least now that he’s gone I don’t feel crushed and empty.  I felt like I had more clarity when I talked.  I asked questions.  And the answers were pretty much the same as they always have been and so I drew a line.  I said, no, I will not be a part of this, I don’t want this ball in play.  This does not resonate with me and I will not be in relationship with someone while this is still happening.  I’m backing myself up.

I wish I hadn’t even come this far.  I don’t want to have to debate two different points of view, two different ways of seeing.  I don’t want to convince anyone to change, they’ve got to want to.  I don’t want to persuade someone to understand where I’m coming from, they need to want to know.  I’m tired of war masquerading as communication.  If I have to fight then I’m trying too hard to be heard.  Someone who wants to really know listens even when you whisper.  And if something isn’t my style, I can just simply pass it by.  I don’t need permission or consensus.  I feel it, I know it to be right and that’s enough.  Less talking and more acting.

This tempest of a storm called a relationship.  It swings from dramatic good-byes to hellos and cuddles and caresses and it’s dramatic and would make a good book or song, but it’s nothing real.  It’s a roller coaster ride.  It’s entertainment for the night (not necessarily good entertainment) but it’s nothing to stake any weight on.  I can see that now.  It’s like a game we play.  Let’s break up, let’s move in together. Let’s have space apart, let’s eat dinner together.  Let’s touch and squeeze, let’s debate and yell.  Let’s walk away, let’s come back to us.  A dance.  A play.  That never leads anywhere.  “It’s okay to know it’s not your A-game,” a friend once said as he shrugged his shoulders after hearing me lament about it.

It’s not that I can’t commit.  Not like it once was for me.  I can’t commit to something I don’t want.