Even though it may not be perfect, even though I might be messy, even though I think it might not be well received; I want to write.  Writing helps me know myself better, writing helps me be vulnerable, writing helps me process, writing gives a chance that someone might feel the way I do and we can connect.  If people waited until something was perfect (or their definition of perfect) there’s just so many great things we would be without.  And sometimes, things start off being not so great, but work themselves into perfection, and that’s a beautiful thing to behold.  I will not always be all together, I may not be having my best day, but I will be me and I think that’s worth sharing.  I think that’s worth all of us sharing.  I saw a really amazing artist once who gave a talk on her work and she touched me deeply.  She had such a certainty about her expression and it was regardless of what others thought.  In fact, it seemed that when people challenged her she only became more clear and certain.  She expressed herself so well because she knew herself so well.  And she once said in an interview that missteps are as important as successes.

Today I worked on the house.  I didn’t feel that great or all that motivated but I found a level that I could rise to and I did that.  I did what resonated with me and ended up enjoying it so much.  I applied more coats of poly (clear coat polyurethane) on the woodwork around the windows and trim and O.My.God. – that wood just became more and more beautiful!  It drank it up like dry soil with water.  I felt that I was nourishing it, restoring it to its original beauty and it was very fulfilling.  As I write this, I feel that’s what’s happening to me as well.

I also helped Prem with the plumbing of the dishwasher and had a great talk about the idea that there is a Voice offering guidance but there is also a Grace offering you help when you feel you can’t follow it.  It’s like both roads are okay and it’s showing me that I used God to help me make choices with the idea of right and wrong; and that’s just not how I feel about it anymore.  I feel like my mind in alignment is powerful enough that anything can be made okay.  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and as much as I thought I was over all this Hallmark bullshit, I felt really quite affected by it all.  Maybe because a new impossibility between me and Malcolm has arisen and it’s freshly apparent that we can’t even hang out casually anymore – he doesn’t want to.  For him, it becomes serious if we have sex.  Which is too bad, cos I really like our sex.  I think it’s like the glue that’s been holding it all together for me; that, and the fact that I seem to have dramatic relationships and it’s definitely got that.  Anyways I’m walking into the co-op, feeling what I’m feeling and trying to be gentle with it all and I hear in my heart, “it’s gonna be okay and it is okay.”  I wrapped myself in that like a warm blanket and I let it comfort me even today.

I was talking with my German friend who I call Schnooky and she was saying how I remind her of this friend she used to have in Germany.  She too was in a relationship with a guy who she really wasn’t committed to and who really wasn’t committed to her.  And one day she got a job in Berlin and as she was driving there she had the sense that all would be well.  She ended up eventually meeting a guy and they married and had a child.  I don’t know if that will be the specific outcome for me, but I feel the levity that this story affords me and I let it be another source of comfort.  And I know this.  I know I can’t lose anything I really want – but I’m also amazed at how much I can miss something that I never truly, in my heart really wanted anyway.  It’s this crazy sense of loss we have.  I also know that I was with a guy in Italy who was very certain about how he felt about me and how he wanted to be with me and I didn’t feel like I could have that kind of relationship, “didn’t feel like I was that kind of a girl,” I ended up telling him.

I would definitely play that differently now.  And as much as I have lamented not playing it differently, when I’m being tossed and turned around by the current, crazy one that I’m in, I know I couldn’t have played it any differently.  I played it according to who I was.  But I’m different now and I want different, and that’s why this current chaos is drawing to a close; because it’s no longer a match to who I am.  And, as fun as who I am has been, I’m ready for more.