Sometimes I think that this is the craziest way to do it.  Buy a house, then break up.  Go to New Zealand for his mom’s funeral and realize before you even board the plane in Chicago that maybe this isn’t such a good idea.  Maybe he isn’t going to open up and share this experience with you.  Hasn’t he shown that he’s just not that kind of guy?  But you hope, and each new situation seems like a new opportunity for something….. well….. new.  Yet it always ends up here.  Right here.  With me wondering what the heck I’m doing here.  Again.  Giving myself to someone and something that I’m not even sure I even want.

Sometimes you’ve gotta step totally in before you know.  You watch from the sidelines and you think about it, you weigh it, you discuss it, but eventually, you just have to play.  There’s no other way.  You’ve gotta make a move; then, you’ll know.  I love him, but I can’t be with him.  And today, that hurts a little again.  My mom wants to know if he’s coming for Christmas, and the neighbor wants to know if we’re moving in and although I feel clear when I say “no”, I also feel a little sad.  Like the sound of some glass breaking.  Like some disillusionment.  Like if only I had tried harder.  But I don’t want to try harder.  After all this time, it’s either happening or it’s not.  I gotta let it go.

It’s tough.  Almost as tough as sanding the floors for the last 3 days.  To be around him feels as though I’m crossing myself sometimes.  Like I’m breaking a promise.  Like I know what I want, but I settle.  Like I don’t really feel that I’m worth it.  This pattern goes way back.  It crossed my mind driving home tonight that it’s like I feel I owe someone.  A debt.  A trade.  That I alone, myself, am not enough….so I have to add something.  Tip the scales.  A bonus.  It’s weird.  It’s also somewhat familiar.  And it’s a rude awakening.  And it needs to stop.

Otherwise, I’m just a whore.